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Had a friend who penned down her thoughts on social media today and reading it struck a chord in me. At times writing things down makes it better because you release those pent up feelings and thoughts through words yet at the same time it's scary because once its written, it means you can't pretend that those emotions you felt and the thoughts you had never existed. So what do you do? Do you write them down and release it to an audience you barely know or maybe like me here in a dead social media. Or do you just pretend you never felt anything and never had such thoughts?

I mean telling your friends things do elevate some sort of stress/frustration/pain but writing it down in black and white, thats a whole new level. Writing requires you to think through exactly how you would want to present your feeling/thoughts in a coherent manner. It's like you need to make sense and rationalize whatever you want to write down which is seemingly funny to me because many times, our emotions and thought are just blobs of irrationality. Here I am typing away trying to make sense of what I'm writing, yet at the same time, when I read whatever I've written so far, it just looks like a mess (very much like my mind right now... no actually for the past 2 years).

Sometimes the expectations you have when telling your friends your problems never gets met. People are all struggling with their own lives. Sometimes you just can't have the kind of attention and care you want, yet when I look at others, it seems like I'm the odd one out. The odd one who is always doing the listening, the caring, and being the rescuer. When will I get to be the one who does the talking, the being taken care of, and the one being saved? I mean I think I've tried hard enough to stop making friends with needy people, but somehow or rather I feel like I always attract them. I'm always like a mother to a little child (especially guys, omg what's wrong with them! Why do they need to act like a little child around me. DUDE I NEED A MAN. HAHAHA). When will I get to be that little girl to someone? I told my friends, I'll know he's the right one when he brings out the little girl in me (not in the warped sense, but like when I can be needy in front of him and he'll take it like a man). 

Back to the topic at hand, yup telling friends still doesn't really cut out for me as most of the time, I'm the one listening and giving advise. And when it's my time to share, well either they don't know what to say or like the stuffs I hear make me go into a downward spiral. I mean sure there's probably some truth to the stuffs they say but like OMG did you really have to say it now when I'm already struggling with overcoming past trauma. Especially when they (I really mean one person), starts to plant doubt into you about another person. You meet friends the same way I do, do you see me doing such things? No right? At most I'll just tell you to be careful and not like plant seeds of doubt (which sent me in to a crazy whirlpool of depressive thoughts for a good 2 weeks, until I was like enough is enough). Oh sometimes friends also ignore the stuffs I say, not sure if it's because they don't know what to say or like they're just so sick of hearing me talking about the same topic. 

Well, after having word vomit out, it does feel good to have it seen in writing (regardless if it makes sense or not). I think I'm gonna continue. Hopefully it's not just gonna be all depressing but also filled with happy emotions and thoughts!