Mess.

So many things are running through my mind now. I want to say so much but yet I can't say them. So much I want to tell you but yet at the same time I can't. Twitter is the best place to say everything, but I'm being watched. Which is very irritating. It makes me feel as if  I'm being strangled and I have no space. No private space. There's nobody for me to rant to now coz like one is busy, the other is not in a very good mood and the other is freaking out over a test. So yeah, despite this front that I'm putting forward, deep inside me, I'm shaking up already. But for the sake of you guys and myself, I have to be strong. Sometimes I wonder and I ask God. Why can't I be fragile and look fragile too. Then I don't have to suffer with all this 'pressing down' of feelings and emotions and to be strong for my friends. Why can't I be the one who is being taken care of, as in like.. forget it. No point talking about it when I'm actually not all that. 

I mean sometimes I hate myself for being this way like I obviously know I need a shoulder and all but then I still put a front saying that I'm okay and there's nothing wrong with me. And also pushing away the people who really sincerely care about me. Like at that moment, yeah its irritating how the person keeps asking how you are and all but then when you think about it again, that's what you need and God has prolly put that person there for this reason but then you push them away. I know it's stupid to do such a silly thing but I mean sometimes I need space and all I need is someone who will just listen to me. Like for example, my face isn't looking like it always looks like. I mean like I can tell you I'm okay but honestly, I'm not and you know it. I mean yeah ask what's wrong with me but sometimes I just don't want to tell you or whatever. You don't have to do anything to make me feel better but just be there for me. Sound very demanding huh. I know it is. Sorry. I mean it's not like I never tried to find another alternative. I mean yes there is daddy God, I know, I tell him too. But sometimes it's just that human comfort that is needed. 

Okay this post is super emo but it's night time. I'm always like this at night. It's the time when I think back and yeah sometimes I think too much. It's the time when I really reflect on what's been happening and all. Stupid I know. But this is me. Trying to change but yet ever so slow. 

Okay that's it for the long emo post. I feel better already :) I'm gonna head to bed hopefully. Everybody says sleep it off. HAHA. I'll try it. 

Oh before I go to bed, I'll like to share this verse:

'Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.' - 1 Corinthians 13:4-8

Goodnights ♥